Welcome to my thoughts in text.

I never was a good person until now. The constant life of waking up doing drugs partying and repeating, seemingly never ending. Pushing away those who mean the most to me, creating a wave of disgrace among the relationships I try and uphold but let fall into the wasteland of try and forgive me if you can. The nothingness I felt those long nights up and down up and down my mind went on a constant spiral constantly killing myself but not knowing it all in the same. I knew the things that could happen and the repercussions felt non existent I felt invincible. My body slowly breaking down and feeling crushed, feeling used and spit out like being in a washing machine. But the one more time and quick bathroom trips became quickly my best friend and my demise all in one. I became the sickly ghost who walked the hallways plenty of friends, but always had a piece missing in the end. I channeled my rage and my addictions in a somewhat negative way, but in the end it always made me feel positively great. I remember the countless years my sister and I spent nights together with nothing more said then hello. She hated me, hated who I’ve became, and who She thought I was going to become. We grew apart like wilted flowers stuck in the sun all day. We became a figment in each other’s minds, but in the back not a constant thought. Simply put it was hatred. I remember the day I showed up on over 600 acres of unexplored land to me. An unexplained reason as to why I was there and what it meant. Finding out later, I caused fear and confusion among the people I was now in schooling with. Solely to find common ground with a kid from the Bronx who understood my struggle. The north and the south so different in style, talk, and simple decencies. I was lost, but the kid from the Bronx helped me become the person I am today. We were alike in the same sense, but we were different enough to where we could learn from each other. Because we had each other who understood each other and we could be the people we were. I was lost but I had somewhat become aware of where I was and how my output was something that terrified people and made me I wouldn’t say a target but something of the same sort, I would say like an object under observation like in a microbiology class.  The classes, weekends, the place, the air, even the smell was all so confusing and different. I would constantly lose focus and sight of the fact that something was trying to get my attention. The betterment of my lifestyle was calling, but I never took the opportunity. I felt as if I never had an option and that I was born the way I was and it wasn’t going to change. I felt permanently lost in an unfamiliar place, with curveballs being thrown all the time, getting not homesick, but bored of the new place I was. Confused and lost I felt like a run away dog, abused, but in the sense of substances. The feeling you get when you look great, and have fun doing everything, but your stomach hurts feels like it has a wrench in it, going through mood changes and not caring but acting like you do. It came easier and easier to forget, time flies by and soon enough everything changed. Soon the one bathroom trip every 30 mins became the few times every month down at the health center with the assistance of the dean. It became the peril and the nervousness of everyday life. The pivot point as some would call a life awakening. The constant feeling of eyes on you, relationships you might fuck up, parents to be possibly disappointed. The fear to change, but also the willingness and assertive will to change. The growing hate of authority, to the self loathing of what I’ve become, to the posting ice outlook to change, the frequent activities now taking part in my life, the want and the disrespect to get up early everyday and work out, to make better friends, to make myself a better person. The sudden realize that I failed in life overcome everything else but was eventually surpassed by the will to be better. Finally leaving this place, hate but love it at the same time. Some of my fondest memories. But I came out of it, a whirl wind of trouble, another place I was getting went to. A place where the norm was super dark, twisted, isolated, things I’ve never experienced before. I felt alone, because I was. I didn’t fit in a place where people who didn’t fit in went. A place that quickly became my life. I turned it around completely. I fell alive. For once I was in control. The thought that this whole thing called life was easier then I ever thought. I became a good person. I found myself. I found the person I was always missing. It was three short hours from 8-11 five days a week with the sole thought of speeding out of there and heading to my bed. The quaint solitary life so a person with no plans ever and no intentions other than succeeding in what I was doing. I felt amazing. The whimsical thought passing through my head as the cold water from the shower hits my face. I felt bliss. The alarm clock plays that annoying tone as it strikes 5:30 in the morning, time to leave for work. School is done and work is now my life. Hard days from 6-4:30 same thing everyday stuck in a repetition, seemingly never ending. The warm weather, summer smells and honest work, helped me forget who I used to be and reminded me of who I had become. The realization was incredible. A few strokes across the keys of my new computer, submitted the application for the Montana state university. With the intention of starting over and continuing to be the new person I became never seemed so easy. Keep quiet I told myself, stick to yourself, don’t seek trouble.